JOKES

[the Scribe]

George Bush dies and goes straight to hell. At hell's gate he meets the devil who tells him that Hell is full and there are no vacancies.



Since Bush's sins were far too many, the devil had a proposal. He said; "George, you know I can't let you go but, since we have no vacancies I will let one other person go. You know all 3 and I will let you choose which one you will replace".

The devil takes George to the first room and it is a scene from Antarctica, freezing and cold. Here he sees President Dick Nixon whose punishment is to repeatedly dive into the icy water, go to the bottom to retrieve one of his lies and repeat this forever. George looks at the devil and says he will let Dick stay there; "Hey, I'm from Texas, we like the warm weather"!

The devil takes Dubya to the second room, it's hot as hell and he sees his dad pounding on a rockpile that will never end. George looks at the devil, shakes his head and calls out to his Presidential Dad; "Sorry Paw, I'd take your place but I have that bum shoulder from one of my DUI's".

Now the devil takes George to the 3rd and last room. He see President Bill Clinton on an inclined bed with his hands and feet strapped to the bedposts. Below is Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best. George thinks real hard for a while, smiles and looks at the devil, figures he can deal with this even if Monica wasn't really his type...so he tells the devil; "OK I choose this room". On that note, the devil smiles at George and yells into the room......"Hey Monica, you can go now!"

[jwwilliams2]

very funny good for haha at least thanks

[jwwilliams2]

been off of the forum for about 5yrs plus good to be back. of course couldnt remember old password. all part of the aging process am ok with that

[the Scribe]

As the conservative awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

[the Scribe]

[the Scribe]

[the Scribe]

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

[the Scribe]

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

[the Scribe]

[the Scribe]

[the Scribe]

In Living Color - Sam Kinison : Live From Hell

[the Scribe]

[erik]

Quote by ronstadtfanaz on Feb. 2, 2013:

George Bush dies and goes straight to hell. At hell's gate he meets the devil who tells him that Hell is full and there are no vacancies.

Or the devil will tell him we have to make room for the Trump Family.

[the Scribe]

Mar 7, 2019 21:44:37 GMT -5 erik said:

Quote by ronstadtfanaz on Feb. 2, 2013:

George Bush dies and goes straight to hell. At hell's gate he meets the devil who tells him that Hell is full and there are no vacancies.

Or the devil will tell him we have to make room for the Trump Family.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”

“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

[the Scribe]

A man dies and goes to heaven. On arriving, Saint Peter begins to give him a tour and shows him into a gigantic museum with clocks everywhere and small name plates under each one.

"What is this place?" the man asks.

"This is the Hall of Lies. Every person has a clock assigned to them, and every time they tell a lie in life or in death, the clock moves forward one minute." Saint Peter tells him.

As they walk, all the clocks move, if slowly, when they see one moving fairly steadily. "Whose is that?" the man asks, pointing at it.

"That belongs to the Laura Ingrahm. Most of the Fox News people are in this hall," Peter says, pointing down one hall where most of the clocks are moving continuously at a good pace.

A little further along, the man begins to feel a steady breeze and he looks at Saint Peter, "What is that wind?"

"Oh, that... that's the wind from Jesus' office. He has it around here and uses one of the clocks as a ceiling fan."

"Is it.. Trump's clock?" the man asks hestitantly.

Saint Peter laughs, shaking his head, "Oh, no no.. that clock is Mitch McConnell's clock."

Amazed, the man is silent for a moment and then asks, "So where is Trump's clock?"

Saint Peter smiles even wider, gesturing around, "How do you think we're powering everything up here?!"

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him and the crowd went wild!

One morning Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidentally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

[the Scribe]

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

[the Scribe]

[the Scribe]